A Special Kind of Praise

Today, after church, we had our usual 2nd Sunday "Young Adult Luncheon". I say those words in quotes because, really, the "Young Adult" group has members that are from 19 - 45, some married, some not, some with kids, some without, LOL. We are a group of about 16 different people that pretty much only have a love of Christ in common with each other.

Our pastor's wife pointed out a young woman in the congregation that has been to our church a number of times, but has never joined. She was sitting alone in the pews. "Invite her to lunch today," she said. My stomach did a lurch. I remembered the woman immediately from all of her previous visits. She is married, but her husband travels extensively. She is 32 weeks pregnant - I know this because the last time that she was at the church and I spoke with her, I didn't know that she was pregnant, and she announced it to me with pride. She is due on the very same day that the baby we miscarried at the end of May would have been due.

I looked at the pastor's wife and said, "O.K." (What else was I supposed to say??) After the service, I went up to the woman and graciously invited her to our "Young Adult" luncheon. I remembered her name. I called her by her name and said, "32 weeks, right?" Her eyes widened. She beamed from ear to ear. "HOW DID YOU REMEMBER THAT???" she asked, innocently. I lied and said, "I just have a really good memory." She stuck to me like glue for the remainder of the afternoon. Since I had "remembered" a detail about her life that so many others would have deemed nearly insignificant, she talked to me all about her nursery decor, her baby name choices, her child birth classes, her food cravings, etc. etc. etc. These were all things that only a few months ago would have driven me into the deepest depression/psychosis possible. * BUT *

- PRAISE THE LORD -

I didn't even flinch. I didn't bat an eye. I didn't ask to be excused, or pretend like someone else at the 16-person table needed to ask me a question. Nope. I sat there and listened to her trying her very best to make a friend - someone that she could possibly connect with if her and her husband decided to join the church someday. As we were talking, the pastor's wife looked over at me and gave me a huge wink - she was so proud - her plan had worked!

My ability to endure this kind of afternoon would have been NON-EXISTENT a few months ago. But, finally, after 5 1/2 months have gone by since our precious baby was born into heaven, I am so overjoyed at the prospect of our upcoming adoption that I was unable to be upset for myself. I didn't look at this woman's belly and mourn. I didn't think "that should be me" for the FIRST TIME in over five months. I didn't feel queasy, like I thought that I would. I didn't want to run away, like I thought that I would. I didn't say "no" to my pastor's wife, like I thought that I would. It is only because I have a newfound hope - the hope of parenting through adoption - that I was able to talk with this woman with all sincerity and love. I am finding more and more that I am no longer afraid of not getting pregnant again. I am more afraid of GETTING pregnant, because having a baby the same age as Kira would not be ideal. I have finally come to realize that, although there is not a baby in my womb right now, there is a baby in my heart.

God bless Kira Alexandria. We love you so much!

~Kris~