Three months to go...and our story of hope

Halloween means something completely different to me this year than it did last year.

Last year, I was hoping and praying that I would finally be pregnant after two years of trying to conceive. I was full of hope that surely "THIS" would be the month - OUR month. As I watched the families with multiple children trapse through the neighborhood yelling, "Trick or Treat!", I wondered if I'd possibly have a baby in my arms by this time next year. I imagined what it would be like to dress a chubby-cheeked newborn in one of those cutie-pie "My First Halloween" outfits - perhaps a pumpkin with a little stem hat? I watched the other children run past with their siblings in tow, and I wondered then if I would EVER see the day when I would be able to provide a sibling for Ian. Would my son ever know what it was like to have a brother or a sister?

Fast forward to April, 2007.

After three years of trying to conceive, we finally DID! We were so excited. We picked out names immediately and told our families after our second trip to the doctor confirmed that our pregnancy was "real". Eight weeks later, our precious little one was born into heaven. We were completely devastated. I have never felt so low in my entire life - except for when my own Dad died. We wanted that baby so much. We had waited so long. We were already in love with the idea of being parents again. We couldn't believe that our miracle was FINALLY given to us, only to be taken away. Why? Why would God allow this to happen? And then, the answer....

J & D told us three weeks after our miscarriage that they were expecting a baby. My first reaction was that I wanted to throw-up. I remember thinking, "How am I going to get the words, 'Congratulations' out of my mouth???" (I somehow did, though.) I was NOT happy for them. I couldn't be. We had been through too much - three years of temperature charting, blood draws, reproductive specialists, endocrinologists, surgeries, hormone therapies, taking handfuls of fertility medicines, and losing weight - all with the goal of trying to help us to get pregnant. And, we had to endure the truth that our little baby had gone "home" to be with Jesus. I had to endure extreme labor pains in order to pass our child into the arms of our loving, eternal Father. Why? Why was God letting THEM have a baby and not US? And then they said it: "We were hoping that you would like to parent our baby?" WHAT??!!! I don't remember much of the conversation after that. I think that I kept shouting, "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!!!!" I'm not completely sure - I went into my own form of shock. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real..... Were J & D SURE that this is what they really wanted? Did I dare to open up my heart to the possibility of our dreams coming true? Did God choose to answer our prayers in a way that we had not expected? What would happen if J & D changed their minds? Would I be able to keep on going? Would I (mentally) be able to take two losses within a year? I didn't know. I waited for more details to unfold with a mildly guarded heart.

Fast forward to Halloween 2007.

I am full of hope again. This year it is a different kind of hope. I am no longer torturing myself by peeing on a stick each month to see if two lines miraculously appear, or going into my doctor's office to get my blood tested for the presence of a human growth hormone. Instead, I am awaiting a different kind of miracle. I am waiting for Kira. She will be here in just three short months!! Next Halloween, I will have a nine-month-old, chubby-cheeked, BEAUTIFUL baby girl to dress up in the "My First Halloween" pumpkin outfit. She will be loved and adored, and protected by her big brother, Ian, as we trapse around the neighborhood shouting, "Trick or Treat!". I can't remember the last time I have been this happy; our dreams are about to come true. Praise God! Thank you for this amazing gift. We are so thankful to you, our Heavenly Father, for allowing us to parent J & D's child. We are so thankful to J & D for allowing our dreams - our long-time dreams - to finally come true. Someone, please pinch me - NO - WAIT - If I'm dreaming, I don't want to wake up!!!!